Que como estoy – Freddy Miller Otero

Que como estoy?… Ya ves…

Desazonado y triste,

Descolorido como una hoja seca batida por el sol,

las lluvias, el viento.

 

Y cómo iba de estar?,

acaso te imaginas que ha sido poca cosa

mi soledad, mi tedio,

la angustia de mirar a todas partes

buscándote, ansiándote,

hurgando tu silueta entre masas y masas

de hormigueros humanos?…

 

Que cómo estoy!…

Se necesita situarse muy lejos de mi ser

para tan tonta pregunta!

 

Mira, estoy como no había estado antes.

En mi silencio, en mis noches,

he podido correr desesperadamente por mi sangre,

por mi voz… y por la compasión de las personas

que saben dónde estás y nada dicen.

 

Resulta tan difícil la condición del hombre!

Tener que sostener calladamente tu larga lejanía;

apretarse los ojos rebozados de agua;

suspender el aliento para que nadie escuche

que el corazón te llama…

y sobre todo pensar, pensar cobardemente

cuando ya nadie atisba,

bajo la noche ancha, paso a paso…

 

Ridiculez tremenda de ser hombre!

porque a pesar de todo lo que haga

te seguiré llevando entre mis venas

como la misma vida…

 

Que cómo estoy!… Que feliz ocurrencia de tu parte!

Tenía tantas cosas, a mano, que decirte,

y que ahora no sé dónde se han ido…

He contemplado con detenimiento el recuerdo.

He logrado tener entre mis labios mil rosas tempraneras.

He llenado mis manos de luz escribiendo… escribiendo…

Esto es todo, mi amor.

 

Que cómo estoy?… No había pensado en esto!

Estoy… no sé; tal vez un poco enfermo,

o puede que apartado de todo lo que sobra;

de los amigos, de los afectos, de la risa, de mí,

de mí también me he apartado un poco.

Ahora llevo tan honda la expresión de la muerte

que no sabría decirte cómo estoy

Estoy… como me ves, sencillamente.

I choose myself

I have just cried approximately 5 pounds worth of tears.  I have listen to Try by Nelly Furtado endlessly. Our song Mother, even if you couldn’t understand it. Even if you didn’t care…

Today I was used as an emotional punching bag and suffered one of the worst episodes of mother-bullying in ages. I don’t want to go into details (they are many, and they still wander in my head confusing me, teasing and menacing…) but my mother basically told me that I had ruined (purposely and evilly) her only dream in life: having me living at home so  that a man (any man?) would ask my hand in marriage. I know by now you are thinking: “what the fuck?”. Exactly what I was thinking too.

She pulled one of the most epic guilt trips I’ve ever seen her do (and I’ve seen her pulled very massive guilt trips, trust me) and as usual, I  stayed quiet rather than risking saying things that would only hurt us both. She basically snapped after we came from my aunt’s house (where my cousin’s boyfriend was being officially introduced to the family). I guess she saw how “proud” my aunt was of her brand-new son-in-law and my mom wanted (wished she could?) do the same with me: rub my (handsome, rich and successful) boyfriend in everybody’s faces. Since my sister lives abroad and my mom is not very fond of her boyfriend, I’m her only chance of getting to slap back “socially”.

I have been hardwired since forever to think of my mom as a victim, as someone who I owe deeply and beyond any means of repayment. She has made that very clear: we owe her everything. It was HER, her sacrifice, her fighting that got us where we are. I believe it’s true, in some extent. I do appreciate and value all that she has ever done for me. I love her far beyond what’s comprehensible. But for her, loving means submission and I won’t submit myself to her tyranny anymore.  I’m tired  exhausted from having to fight the same battle over and over. I can’t take this strain anymore.

Hearing her say that the only dream she ever had for me was having me under her rule until she would marry me off to some random person (no matter how false and mean intentioned) was just crushing. I have achieved so much in my short life. Most times I have to remind myself of all that just to take it in and be able to move on. I have done so much just to make her proud of me, of what I’ve become. I know that I haven’t come all the way from the very bottom, that I have been blessed with a middle-class life and all the perks that come with it. But saying that she has given me everything, EVERYTHING, is just wrong. I have done my fare share to get where I am and I know it. You may have paid for school, but I was the one busting my chops to get the good grades. One of the reasons I moved out is so that I could prove her that I could do well on my own. ‘Cause with her, any achievement, big or small, was possible because SHE had done something. You would never get credit for anything, since what you did was nothing compared to whatever SHE had to do to get you there or to make that happen. She even praises herself for my masters. I got the scholarship myself, I busted my ass studying, and she didn’t even wanted me to go. But SHE says that if it wouldn’t have been for her I wouldn’t have made it to France. What.the.fuck.

All she cares about is what “society” thinks of a young woman living alone. Of what the neighbors, or my grandparents, or the people who they run into at social gatherings, THEM, what THEY think is what bothers her. As if she wasn’t capable of making an idea by herself and assessing the fact that  I have been (of her 4 children) the one who has tried the hardest to make her happy. She didn’t even bothered asking me what MY dreams or plans where. Apparently it’s irrelevant for her what I see as my future or how I plan on achieving my goals.

I’m not a chef because she didn’t want me too. She decided she knew better than me, that I was to study something with more prestige: something to rub the neighbors with. And so I went to school to study something that (even as much as I enjoy my work and my field)  was not MY choice. She still says she was the one that paid my career. I feel that having to scream at her that she only paid a year (out of 4) and that the rest (a) I paid with my temp-job and (b) I’m still paying on student credit would be like saying “no, you didn’t do anything for me” and that would only infuriate her more (and make me look like an ungrateful bitch), which is not (and has never been) my goal.

What does she wants me to say? That I moved out because I was starting to hate her? That I left before I did something stupid, like losing my temper and screaming at her all the things I know that would hurt her? There would be no turning back after that. Not now, not after I got married and had 3 kids, never. After things like those (like the ones I Know I would say when mad) are said, there are no pieces left to put together. I have chosen (so far) to be the bigger person and just take the blows silently but I’m wearing thin on emotional endurance.

Like Adele says “I can’t give you what you think you gave me (mom)”. I am seriously considering counseling. For me, since I know that it won’t work on her. She has a selective memory (she decided to bring the thesis issue yet again(!!)) and she refuses to take any other version of the facts that her own little twisted one. She basically told me that I’m her biggest disgrace and that I’m an embarrassment for her. That no “decent man” will ever consider me wife material because women who live alone are deemed sluts no matter how decent they might really be.  I don’t have to confide in her my many issues regarding boys and I sure as hell don’t need her adding her two cents to my paranoia that I will die alone and single. I don’t really have that paranoia, but I do get discouraged (as any girl would) because men are complicated creatures whose behavior escape my comprehension. Bleh.

I cried so hard, I had to call a friend and talk to her while I drove all the way back to my place. She reassured me that I was taking the right choice and calmed me down. I hate that my mother has such a power over me: that her words (as mean and poisonous as they are) are able to crush me down so easily. I should be better than this or at least I should be able to fight back. But I can’t, because at the end of the day I still think of her as the victim and I can’t bring myself to hurt her even if it is by defending myself.

I think I will take some time away from her, just to let things settle. Maybe tomorrow after I talk with my sister I will feel better and I’d be able to decide what to do about this situation. I feel so much like that Sharon Olds’ poem I published before: “you are going to do things /you cannot imagine you would ever do/ you are going to do bad things to children”. She is my mother and I know she has my best interests at heart. I know she loves me and that she is reacting this way out of sheer desperation. But I made a decision that Sunday night of May 16th 2010: I chose myself, my peace of mind and my freedom to live life as I see fit, above anybody else’s views and opinions. And still today, over a year later, and even if I am emotionally crushed, I still choose myself.

I Go Back to May 1937 – Sharon Olds

I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges,
I see my father strolling out
under the ochre sandstone arch, the
red tiles glinting like bent
plates of blood behind his head, I
see my mother with a few light books at her hip
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the
wrought-iron gate still open behind her, its
sword-tips black in the May air,
they are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, all they know is they are
innocent, they would never hurt anybody.
I want to go up to them and say Stop,
don’t do it–she’s the wrong woman,
he’s the wrong man, you are going to do things
you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die. I want to go
up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don’t do it. I want to live. I
take them up like the male and female
paper dolls and bang them together
at the hips like chips of flint as if to
strike sparks from them, I say
Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it.

 

(I actually heard this poem in the movie Into The Wild and didn’t realize it wasn’t part of the dialogues until I found it here. Realizing it was an actual piece of literature made my day. It’s all about the little things.)

Half-year Recap

Wao… I just realized half the year has gone by without me posting a single thing. Shame on me. I dont feel much like doing a recap, except to say that everything I had planned has shifted into something else. There are people out, and people in. Places I no longer am (still at my job though, horray!) and places I will very soon be. Things are not better nor worse, not really. They’re just different. I have grown accostumed to change, or at least I try.

The only thing I must confess, after spending an afternoon obsessing over literature and tattos (long story) is that I miss words. I miss their power, the never ending resourcefullness. I miss writing almost as much as I miss reading. Not my typical blogpost reading (even if many bloggers are astounding writers) but devouring a book in one sit. Sleepless nights poured over a text in orden for me to have it, to condense it into my being in order to make it a part of me. To become words and phrases and ideas…

I want to go back to writing, so maybe, just maybe (I’m no longer making promises I’m not sure I can keep) I will start posting here more often. I said to somebody today that I’m an old writer trapped in a young girl’s body. Now it feels only right I let the little girl grow and the old man play….

2011: The ME year

Welcome 2011!!!! well, do I have some good things in store for you!!

2010 wrapround: On the last 30 days of 2010 (my) life started to change for the better: I joined a Gym, I took my first (and last) trip of the year (Floriiida!!), and I got enough emotional and mental strenght to finally take some steps for the best in certain issues that were bothering me. (kissing the bad boys bah-bye!)

Goals: I have neglected my resolution-making habit on the last years, but I’m planning on taking it back this year, specially since I love to see at the end of the year all that I’ve accomplished and what got left behind. For better efficiency, I have decided to split them in trimesters (like big corporations do ;p). Here are my resolutions for 2011:

* For Jan-Mar my goals are:

1.  Pay off my credit card debt. I got a little carried away on christmas shopping. That money wasn’t free, gotta pay for that now. Bummer.

2.  Tone up at the gym. My goal is to have a flat belly and 30min running capacity by April. Im already on a diet and I’m hitting the gym 3 times  a week; It’s a heavy commitment, but I’m worth every minute at the treadmill.

3. Fix my room. (bed, courtains, paint and bathroom) I already have the bed (gourgeous) and im keeping my old courtains. My bed is soooo comfy. It makes me very happy that my room is finally reflecting my style. Feels like me now.

4. Start learning about stock trading. My uncle explained the basics to me over christmas, but now is up to me to improve my knowledge. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some good hits on paper, just so I can start trading soon.

* For April-June:

1. Re-open my deposit certificate (adding to the next round number )

2. Start saving for my car.

3. Buy my NYC airticket  . I’m letting myself fall in love with the city again, and for that I need to spend some quality time in the Big Apple. Hopefully close to the quarter-life birthday.

4. Open my US savings account for Egypt. I want to do Egypt in 2012, but also (since I’m already doing the gazillion-hour flight) visit Greece and Turkey. Roughly 4500-5k. Not an easy feat, but I’m willing to save as much as I can to make it happen.

* For July-Sept:

1. Save for my car. Im planing on using all my savings-dedicated money (not much, mind you), but at least I should have anough for the down payment.

2. Go to NYC. Im planning on late september-early october, limited budget of 500us tops.

3. Start trading stocks. I’ll start at US$100-200 depending on how much free $$ I get my hands on.

* For Oct-Dec:

1. Pay off my student  loan. At the current rate, this will be done by november 18.

2. Buy my car. I wish I could get a Masda 3, but I’ll settle for a Kia Piiccanto if it means getting in less debt.

3.  Re-open my deposit certificate with 50% more. Not an easy feat, but I’m thinking on the long run, so I better save as much as I can.

4. Stay in shape. I wish to run 2-3 times a week for 30mins/5K. Im not staying on the gym after April (getting a six-pack ain’t cheap and I have other money priorities) so I need to make sure I commit to the cause once I’m left to my own devices.

On the emotional side, I’m planning on focusin on me this year. I have granted myself license to be totally and utterly selfish. I want to accomodate my surroundings (I started with my room, but it won’t stop there!), cultivate my friendships (old and new), read and write more often, tackle that long-ass to do list (starting with the christmas cards I was supposed to send…before christmas. *sighs*), getting myself up to shape, be financially responsible, travel more (Hello NYC!!) and basically become an improved version of me.

I don’t have Love (with capital L) on my resolution list, not because I don’t want to be in love this 2011 (who doesn’t?!) but because I know that this doesn’t depend on me. All I can do is to be the best Me I can, and let the rest flow. I changed my haircut (uber-short and loving it!), I am adopting healthier habits, Im cultivating myself culturally and socially, I’m exceeding at my job (and I plan on exceeding even more!). I’m on my way to become a better me and I’m loving the ride. Just like Jack from Brooklyn said, if you want to find the one you have to become The One.

Im going with the flow this 2011, ‘cuz it seems like it has quite the ride in store for me!

Lots of blessings,

M

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money…

These past days have been HECTIC. I’ve been on the edge of a nerveous breakdown with a bunch of stuff that’s happening at work. I’m so overstressed is not even funny. On top of that I’ve had to deal with the Post-Tootbrush situation. To simplify it: somebody is turning the cards arounf trying to make some other person feel responsible for the pitiful state of their “friendship”. Two words: bite me.

 

However, it has proven quite difficult not to succumb to his charm again. He still flashes me the same smile, keeps the same grin in his eyes, and even keeps that tone of voice that could soothe a crying baby dragon. BUT I learned (from one of my favorite movies of all time: 500 days of Summer) that sometimes, when things go bitter, you should really concentrate and look back: most likely you’ll see clearly the cracks that where showing when everything was fun and games; the same cracks you pretended not to see for the sake of being “happy”.

 

So I sat down and stared at our cracks intently, like a doctor looking for the symptoms of a disease. There was his judgamentalism, his incapacity to understand a simple joke and his penchant for cultural comparison (usually involving me on the shorter end of the stick). Let’s not forget our ackward silences, the way he pushed my buttons until he got me in a foul mood just because, the limited range of conversation topics that were safe to discuss between us, his despise for everything trivial or light, from TV to books to people (usually all of the ones I liked) and most importantly, the fact that he never showed more than a minute-spam of interest in me, my wellbeing, who I am or who I plan to be. It seems that him sleeping around, despise being the most obvious, was the least of our problems.

 

After cautious evaluation I realized that certainly he is not meant for me. I can’t and will not put myself in a situation were my wellbeing is compromised, or even worst, where I’ll only end up suffering without anything in return. So I have decided to remove the energy-sucking disease from my life. I have decided to rid my life from its negative force and to start again new and fresh. This 2011 I will be an improved version of me. And that means carrying less emotional baggage and focusing my time and energy on healthy relationships.

 

I love the momentum you get for New Year. It feels as if by changing our calendar our old problems dissapear and we are faced with endless possibilities of improvement. I’m riding this wave. I’m tossing the old, bringing in the new and improving myself in every aspect.

 

This is Miriam Version 2.0

 

M

Riding in cars with boys

 

I’ve always loved driving around.  When I was a little girl, I used to stick my nose to the window and look outside: the world was rushing beside me, heading in the opposite direction. Was it running away from something frightful to which I was heading? or was I just getting ahead of it to the end line to some amazing prize?

 

There can be no feeling like the one of the wind in your face while you contemplate the world rushing by. Everything dissolves, and the only thing left is the wind and you, and that perfect smile you put on to greet it. Welcome Mr. Wind, I have been expecting you. I am very happy you could make it here today.

 

When I grew up, I no longer stuck my nose to the windows. Instead I divagated  while contemplating the horizon: the green, the blue, the bright, the sundown, the colors and the shadows. I was capable of summoning the most incredible and deep thoughts while sitting contempt by the window. The world wasn’t passing me by; I was letting myself be carried away by it.

 

I particularly like riding in cars with boys. there’s a certain something in it: maybe the sharing of closed spaces, the proximity, or the fact that for a brief period of time there’s only two people that matter. A custom-made unniverse for two.

 

I havent been riding cars with boys lately. I’ve been driving myself around for most of the time. However, I long for the carelessness of being in the passenger seat and just staring out the window, see the world rush by and wonder, and perhaps, perhaps even smile for Mr. Wind once more.